Be the change

I want my lips to meet those lips where there's that spark that lights the night.
Where communication takes on a telepathic form.
That point where words hardly work and it does me no good to speak.
I want the feeling of jelly for legs and where I can barely move my feet.
The kind of love that's noxious fumes fill my head.
I want to scream said profound love from the tops of many roofs.
And when people yell at me and tell me to shut up I'll yell back "I'm in love!".
I want my head to feel dizzy like I'm drinking in a drug.
Except I'll be free of every substance except the one you get from love.
Give me that person who I'll call at 3am just to see how their dreams have been.
Or the person who makes me a living breathing talking cliché.
I want that person who shows me that Disney knew what he was saying.
And the person that shows me that reality is infact better than my dreams, thank you Seus.
I want to meet the person who has me writing silly love songs and poems like these all the time.
The person who has me so lovestruck I can't help but to even rhyme.
I want to meet the person who finds me perfect in all my flaws.
I'm sorry that I want all these things but I can't help but being in love with live.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

So, I was pissed off. Kind of wrote a song. It's not really good. But the words are exactly how I feel. I can write really deep visual poetry but I just wanted to write some shitty how I felt exactly song so here it is.

I call it...

Sucks, Don't it?

I wish I could tell you that everything was just okay.

I wish I didn’t have to report on the things that went lame.

I wish I could write a song full of love and doves and hearts.

I wish I could sing a melody that didn’t taste so tart.

But it sucks.

It sucks.

It sucks.

 

Your world has gone to utter ruins with you split all at the seems.

All your lives have gone to shattered pieces and a life of broken dreams.

Cause it sucks.

There’s the girl who’s way too pretty and way to hard she gets away.

She’s the girl who can’t love you no matter how much to God you pray.

Whoa, that sucks.

That sucks.

Every friend is a poor excuse for the lives we could have been.

They all say they’ve done that and been there all the same.

Dang, that sucks.

 

*rapid drumming then complete silence*

 

Yeah it kind of does if you think about it for it minute.

But hey, I don’t know about you but my life kind of sucks.

Just give me a beat.

 

*slow beat about an 8 count*

 

You’re an icky pricky crummy bummy awful awful shitty bitty-PAL.

Yeah, you’re a tragic wreck with a broken neck you’re always lookin at me like a speck of-SHIT.

You’re a monumental hypocritical life arranging battle brattle all the same just rattle rattle-STOP.

You can suck it fuck it beat it eat it stay alive or quit to be it all the same good ol’ little-PAL.

 

*slow beat 8 count then return to normal*

 

I wish I could tell you that everything was just okay.

I wish I didn’t have to report on the things that went lame.

I wish I could write a song full of love and doves and hearts.

I wish I could sing a melody that didn’t taste so tart.

It really sucks.

It sucks.

Sucks!

I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm pushing everyone away from me without knowing it. I mean...I know it obviously if I'm writing about it but I DIDN'T know it untill now. I thought I was justified for pushing them away. My friend who won't stop doing e and parties way too much, where every time we would hang out, he'd want to do that and didn't seem to respect that I didn't feel like it. So he'd plan stuff RIGHT after we were done hanging out so he could party. Like he was SQUEEZING me in.I hate feeling squeezed in. It's like NO NO, DON'T DO ME ANY FAVORS. Not to mention he thought he knew more about being gay than I did even though I'm gay and he's not. He thinks he understands how I feel because people think he's gay all the time. Getting shit for peopling thinking your gay versus actually being gay is WAY different. Don't even tell me you know how I feel. Another friend...she was like in love with me and I wouldn't date her after Kristen and I broke up. She was all mad that I was hung up on my straight friend when she was a gay friend who liked me, right in front of me. She apologized for giving me a hard time later on but never tried to contact me. I always had to text, call, IM her. We were supposed to hang out one nigiht and i texted her saying, she responded then i said SUP to which she never responded. She then came online later and never IMed me. When I confronted her about it later that night, she said I was supposed to call her. Well i texted her. I cannot do everything. I'm already the one who has to drive to her since she can never get a ride anywhere. This always happens. I don't know whether I'm overreacting, people said I wasn't, or friends really do just get tired of me after about a year or so. It's like my affect wares off. God, there's nobody good here. Well...a couple. There's this sophomore that I kind of dig, but I have no idea how to go about the whole WE SHOULD LIKE UH...DO SOMETHING. We talk but I mean we aren't like...close. Gah. Fark.

My life has become pathetic. I swear to god. I'm sitting home tonight, I'm on spring break, and I decided to take a day and night off from hanging out and just relax. I'm watching million dollar match maker and I can't get this girl out of my head. The girl I've been talking about in all my entries. I'm in love with her. I couldn't even say it out loud to my friend Justine. It's so difficult. All I want to do right now is hold her so much and kiss her and be with her. I just want to talk to her. God, why is this so hard! Fuckkkk. Why do I like this girl? I ran into her at the book store yesterday, and I was with my dad and she was with her friend and jesus, it was awkward. I love how when she hugged me all I could say was "ah!...ah!...oh godd" but not in a good way. I barely looked at her through the whole conversation. I just kept looking at her friend the whole time and occasionally I'd look back at her and she'd just give me this amused expression, like she was amused at my awkwardness. Her facial expression reminded me of Spongebob's facial expression in the episode where he's all like "YOU LIKE KRABBY PATTIES!" to squidward.  She knows something. She knows i want her. I don't even know what to do with that. My friend thinks she's sensing those vibes and she likes it but it scares her. Then again, I got vibes something was going on between her and her friend...the one she was with when I ran into her. I don't know. I'm so fucking deeply in love with her that I don't know how to get out. I have one friend who wants me to treat her like shit like she supposingly deserves for supposingly leading me on, and I have another friend who thinks I should tell her I like her and I just want to ignore her. Maybe I'm subconsciously trying to push her away, like when I acted like I didn't like the hug. The reaction just came so natural. Maybe i just don't like her hugging me because I know i'm not supposed to enjoy it. I'm not allowed to love it and I know that if she hugs me, I'll never want her to let go and that scares me. So I just try to push her away. I'm so confused with this whole scenario. Fack!

Yeah. I'm not going to lie. I'm bitter. Yeah. I do kind of wish I had somebody for valentines day. Somebody to go out to dinner with or go to the movies with. Somebody to get a stupid little valentines day gift for. To be honest, I hate valentines day. I think its an over commercialized holiday that's just yet another way for the greeting card company to make money. I don't really see why we need one day to show our person how much we love them. But, nevertheless, I still wish I had somebody. I feel like all my lovey dovey, mushy gushy, romantic, artistic talent is going to waste. I wish I could write a valentines poem for my friend. She's the only one I even want to write one for. But, I can't. I swear, I better not receive something from one of the various guys who I know would do something like that for me. I'd feel bad because I don't exactly like rejecting people. *sigh*. S.A.D is going to be the shittiest day ever.

So...I went to Barnes and Noble to get some book I needed for school, and to possibly do some work on my laptop while I was there. They took away all the tables except for the ones in the food area, and like I don't want to sit there haha. So, whatever, I dealt with it and just didn't bring my laptop in, but I couldn't find the LGBT section either. I swear they have one. I've seen it before. No. I scoured that place for an HOUR. I looked everywhere more than once and nothing. It was rediculous. I was like, whatever this is a waste of time and I left. And that's when it hit me, on the car ride home. I'm pathetic. I was driving home from a book store at 7pm on a saturday night, granted it's my choice, I needed some me time, slurping my strawberry's wild from jamba juice, cranking The Strokes while rambling incessantly to myself about some girl who I've basically determined I'm in love with since I can't get over her no matter how hard I try. I've tried so hard to convince myself I don't like her, but I wasn't even fooling myself. What is my problem? I think its that...she gives me this bit of hope and as long as I have even an ounce of it I'm going to hang onto this...desire. I'm really starting to believe I should just tell her. She's my friend. She won't get all weird about it. That way once and for all that'll give me my answer of whether she's interested or no. All this thinking was done while in the car. I don't know if it was the strokes or the jamba juice but something got my braince juices flowing. If you listen to the strokes, you'd know its that typical music they show in a movie when somebody's driving at night just thinking. Hm. I don't know. ehhhh.

I'm going to see Reel Big Fish tonight. I'm possibly the most excited I've been in the past 3 months. That could also be because the girl I like is going to be there and we might hang out. Regardless...I'm STOKED. This is my bestie Sarah's first concert. I'm taking her. I brought her to warped tour but that's like...not a concert it's more a festival. THIS will really test her fun level for being smashed against a bunch of sweaty people dancing and screaming for your favorite band. Sounds like fun.

I also realized I know the whole credit report song by heart.

They say a man should always dress for the job he wants. So why am I dressed up like a pirate in this restaurant. It's all because some hackers stole my identity. Now i'm in here every evening serving chowder and Iced tea. Shoulda gone to free credit, report dot com. I could have seen it coming at me like an atom bomb. They monitor your credit, and you send you email alerts. So you don't wind up selling fish to tourists in t shirts.

Haha that's so sad.

Anyways. School starts on tuesday and i'm not happy =[ Oh well. Last night of pure fun. Woot!!

 I've been thinking a lot lately about love. What it means. What it is. I mean...what is it exactly? What does it mean to BE IN LOVE. You know getting out of a 10 month relationship, being in love this whole time and BAM its gone is weird. Like...if I was in love and it ended what makes me think that next relationship where I'm in love won't end. And the next. And how is it that people get married then? Does their in love just withstand the test of time? I mean honestly. I'm starting to believe that its impossible to be in love with the same person forever. Like, marriage. I mean there's so many divorces these days. No wonder I'm not too fond of the idea of marriage. And how do you know, when you've been in love long enough where it won't ever go away so you CAN get married. Or do you just have to take that risk and hope you won't fall out of love? Because if each relationship is just a test for the real one, I don't know how many I can bare. Or will they all just fail eventually? And if that's true then what's the point in getting into a relationship if it's just going to fail eventually? Might as well save yourself from the hurt right? Because sooner or later one of the people in the relationship is bound to not feel it anymore. So, I decided I'm not going to ever make any promises for the future. At least for now, or any relationships any time soon, I'm not going to promise I'll love them forever, and that we'll be together "forever and ever and ever" because now I realize the rediculousness in all of that. 

Alright, well I haven't written in my journal in forever ever ever. I kind of miss writing in it. Blogging, if you will. Anyways, the school year is well on its way and all my goals that I had for this year are being put into full affect and I'm actually accomplishing them. For instance, I have pretty much no homework tonight because I didn't procrastinate on various assignemts, and for that I'm kind of proud of myself. I really am!  Let's see, what else? Uhm..you know my life is really amazing right now. I've found the perect balance of social activities and doing my school work. I've found a balance between studying and having no life other than being devoted to school. My friends, for the most part, are amazing. They really do support me in everything I do and I couldn't ask for better ones. However, this doesn't change my conequest for new ones. I'm always open to new friends, honestly I am. Plus, the hunt for more gay friends is still on as well. License in January, cannot come soon enough, but I know January will come pretty quickly. I got to see Kristen(my girlfriend) last weekend and it was amazing. Mo and Sarah (our bff's) bonded. It was amazing haha. We went lingerie shopping. What else? Uhm...my daddy's making taco's right now =] They really smell delicous. Mmm =] Packed weekend, unless shit falls through as it might which happens. Greys anatomy and Sarah Silverman Program tonight! Can I get a woot woot?!? Yeahhh! Hokai bye.

So, I realized something tonight, while I was on the phone with my girlfriend. She kind of seemed to be in a pouty mood and so I was saying things to make her feel better. Compliments always make her feel better, but obviously I don't say them just because, I say them because I genuinly mean them. And its like...we've been together for almost 8 months, and obviously I've always known she was the girl of my dreams and stuff but tonight for some reason it hit me. Like...really hit me. Like...how amazing I thought she was hit me. How I completely and utterly adore her. She's the most amazing person I've ever met. She never ceases to amaze me. And even when she doesn't believe in herself, I do. I honestly don't know what I'd do without her. I'd be a mess. She's the weed to my bowl. The chocolate to my chip. The beer to my bong. The macoroni to my cheese. The PB to my J. Even when she hasn't showered for a day or so and her hair's pulled up and she's semi sleepy, she still looks like a million dollars. No...take that back. A trillion. She's so fucking beautiful. I don't know what I did in life. What really good thing I did that made me deserve her but I'm glad she's in my life. But the main thing I realized, that I tried explaining to her, though she was half sleepy, is basically this. Nobody's perfect. I"ll be the first to admit I'm not perfect. She's not perfect. Our parents aren't perfect. Right? Nobody is. We've all got flaws. But...when the attributes are SO good that they massacre the flaws, that's how you know you're in love. When there's so many more good things than bad. When the good things are so good that the flaws just seem so insignifigant. That you're willing to put up with the occasional moodyness or whatever. Then you're truly in love. I am. She could lay out the smelliest poo fart ever, and I'd still want to lay next to her in bed. Even if she had the worst gas all night. I'd still want to hold her tight and lay against her. With her in my life, my life is almost complete. Not yet though. When I can fall asleep at night and have her be the last thing I see, and wake up in the morning having her be the first thing I see, then my life will be complete, and only then. When I can give her lazy kisses as we fall asleep and tell her how in love with her I am.When I can actually try to wake up before her (rare occasion) and make her beakfast in bed, scrambled eggs with cheese and milk, she's made that very clear, then my life will be complete. She lights my bong on fire =] (inside joke). And I just had to say this.